Today I was born - 38 years ago. A homebirth in Arizona - attended by my father and a midwife. My mother described the birth as "orgasmic" - I came out with the water with my eyes open and smiling - or so the legend and birth announcement goes...
This birthday is neither a big 0 or a middling 5 - those seem to be the big milestone birthdays -
But it is the first birthday since my mother died/passed/transitioned 3 months ago.
 I feel her absence acutely, painfully so. It began yesturday and rather than feeling joy and excitement for this birth - day - I feel an acute sense of loss and grief.
She would not want it so - for my mom - life was about celebrating - birthdays, report cards, first days of school, everything was a reason for a celebration. Mother's day shouldn't be annual per the tradition and Hallmark cards - Mother's day should be celebrated daily!
Every birthday, I would wake up to a fruit plate - a lovely mandala of my favorite berries, exotic fruits - lovingly, and purposefully and artistically rendered by my mom - the faves - blue/black/straw/raspberries along with the exotic - pineapple, mango, papaya, kiwi, maybe guava/passionfruit. Each fruit was firm, not overly ripe - just like I like it.
I have tried to continue this tradition with my family and last year each daughter and hubbie made their version and presented to me in bed which was the pinacle - years of investment paying off! This year - hubbie is working all day, and the plate of cut up fruit on the plate put together before he ran to work - was maybe his best, but made me miss mom even more.
So how can I honor my mom? How do I stop crying? - Probably the first stop off this pity wagon is acceptance of what is and what isn't. Okay, now what? 
I am going to go make my own fruit mandala - in honor of my birthday day and my mom's love and energy pushing me out 38 years ago.