1:30am call - "Your mom isn't waking up." When you have a parent that is suffering from a long standing, chronic, degenerative disease (ALS and Parkinson's specifically) and you get the call. What do you do? Cry, Breathe, Pray. The ridiculous grudge you are holding on a friend who hurt your feelings seems pointless and you send her a text despite it being 2:15am. The dream you had 3 nights ago seems like a premonition (My mom's friend Carolyn who passed away earlier this year shows up at my door, looking 30-40 years old, slender, great blond bob, and walks in with some groceries and states,"I came to visit your mom." I look at my husband in the dream and whisper to him, "but she's dead!" and he looks at me at whispers back, "I know,") You put the kettle on - and look through the cupboard for the most nerve-soothing tea you have (Yogi Sleepytime with valerian, skullcap, passionflower, etc). And you journal/blog - because despite that fact that you should probably go back to bed (kids need to be cared for and taken to school in 4 hours, there is a PTO parent meeting at 8 am, work/clients await) you are on call (the doctor will make a house call, and your aunt will call you with updates in the morning) and you can't sleep.
   The tea is honey sweet and soothing and may do the job. I had my aunt hold the phone to my mom's ear and I told her I loved her and to open her eyes if she heard. My aunt said she did. She is sleeping. My aunt thinks she should go into the hospital for observation despite the fact that my mom signed a living will that states that she does not want to be hooked up to machines. If she goes in, they will hook her up (IV for fluids/nutrition, meds) - that is not what she wanted. What can they do for her there, beyond prolong her life? Her neurologist stated she thinks my mom has another year. Another year of what? I think of our medicine today - we have the ability to prolong life - but should we?
  I think of the animal kingdom - when an animal is old or dying - the instinct is to go away, lay down, stop eating/drinking and pass. My mom LOVES food. She didn't eat yesturday except for some soup. Today she took a few sips of water. She does not want to die in a hospital. Do you send her in? Is she finally ready to release her spirit from this "jail/prison" of a rigid/nonfunctioning body - to be set free? Her favorite dreams were always flying dreams. Is she ready to fly? Is she dreaming of flying right now?
   The body she has does not work - the legs don't work, the lower body do not work, the voice doesn't work, the brain is not functioning 100%. Is it time? The last time I got a phone call kast May- she woke up in the afternoon (she had taken 2 sleeping pills at night and so the scare was false - not waking up in the morning was drug induced) My aunt says that she doesn't have any meds nearby. So I wait. And breathe. And pray - that G-d/The universe/"Carolyn/The Friend" indeed has come to visit my mom - and that she soon will be free.
I received this email today: