Stages of Grief
I am back to work. Dealing with viruses (Ellah had a fever and a nice rash, Lishai had a high fever after Purim's excessive sugar, cookies, crapola intake. No other symptoms. Gave her Belladonna and fever was gone by Saturday evening. Sunday, we went to an Easter egg hunt. She ate a whole basketfull of chocolate and more refined sugar. By the afternoon, fever was back this time with a tummy ache. Monday she stayed home, no fever or tummy ache. Tuesday went to school. Wednesday, they called me from school - fever, headache, tummy ache. Thursday stayed home even though no fever, no headache, tummy better. Now she is in school, and I am at work! The joys of motherhood... 
I wanted to follow-up last week's blog. Left off on wednesday with saddness. Ah -sweet saddness!
Thursday I was sad, and still thinking - okay, the next stage. Then friday rolls around and at night I get Mad. Not just mad, but MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD! Angry, Pissed, RAGE!!!!!
Not at the situation, bse it is what it is. It is for the best. It wasn't the right time.
Not at my perfect babies - my delicious 1 1/2 yr. old, my precocious 6 2/4 yr old.
But at Dedi, my man. EVERYTHING that is wrong with him (couldn't see the good stuff), Everything he hasn't done or has done wrong. I wanted a divorce or a separation - he wasn't fullfilling my needs on any level. All his issues...
etc. etc.
Now I am lying in bed - I can't even sleep, I am so mad! I vent to him (and bless him all he says is - I hear you! I understand. Okay, things will change) and I still feel mad. I am lying there and my brain is saying, "Okay, last week you were in love this this guy. So the likelyhood is it isn't him." the TCM doctor in me is saying, "Okay, you are bleeding heavily - your liver is hot and irritated - hence the anger and rage. On a western level, your hormones are shifting"
Still with all the logic - I am ANGRY!!!!!!
So 2 a.m. rolls around and all of a sudden, I think, "Okay Self, when you miscarried, you were fine with it. At peace and relieved. Then the saddness hit and you were fine with that. Perfect even. Now you are Angry. Why can't you just be fine with being ANGRY. What if ANGER is Perfect for Right Now?!?!?"
As soon as I decided not to fight the anger, and just let myself be angry. And accept that Anger was a perfect emotion to feel at that moment....
It went away! And I slept...
At the Easter party on Sunday, a woman was telling me about a pretty influential therapist that wrote about loss and death in the 1950's. It was the first book to be written on the subject and the author's name slips my mind at this moment. But she writes about the steps in grief - Saddness, Anger, Acceptance.
I was like - whoah! I went through the steps, figured them out, and I didn't even read the Book!
So now I am in acceptance. Trying to keep up with life - my patients, being room parent, etc.
Stay tuned - it is Springtime and it is time to CLEANSE!!!!!!
MORE TO COME...
I wanted to follow-up last week's blog. Left off on wednesday with saddness. Ah -sweet saddness!
Thursday I was sad, and still thinking - okay, the next stage. Then friday rolls around and at night I get Mad. Not just mad, but MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD! Angry, Pissed, RAGE!!!!!
Not at the situation, bse it is what it is. It is for the best. It wasn't the right time.
Not at my perfect babies - my delicious 1 1/2 yr. old, my precocious 6 2/4 yr old.
But at Dedi, my man. EVERYTHING that is wrong with him (couldn't see the good stuff), Everything he hasn't done or has done wrong. I wanted a divorce or a separation - he wasn't fullfilling my needs on any level. All his issues...
etc. etc.
Now I am lying in bed - I can't even sleep, I am so mad! I vent to him (and bless him all he says is - I hear you! I understand. Okay, things will change) and I still feel mad. I am lying there and my brain is saying, "Okay, last week you were in love this this guy. So the likelyhood is it isn't him." the TCM doctor in me is saying, "Okay, you are bleeding heavily - your liver is hot and irritated - hence the anger and rage. On a western level, your hormones are shifting"
Still with all the logic - I am ANGRY!!!!!!
So 2 a.m. rolls around and all of a sudden, I think, "Okay Self, when you miscarried, you were fine with it. At peace and relieved. Then the saddness hit and you were fine with that. Perfect even. Now you are Angry. Why can't you just be fine with being ANGRY. What if ANGER is Perfect for Right Now?!?!?"
As soon as I decided not to fight the anger, and just let myself be angry. And accept that Anger was a perfect emotion to feel at that moment....
It went away! And I slept...
At the Easter party on Sunday, a woman was telling me about a pretty influential therapist that wrote about loss and death in the 1950's. It was the first book to be written on the subject and the author's name slips my mind at this moment. But she writes about the steps in grief - Saddness, Anger, Acceptance.
I was like - whoah! I went through the steps, figured them out, and I didn't even read the Book!
So now I am in acceptance. Trying to keep up with life - my patients, being room parent, etc.
Stay tuned - it is Springtime and it is time to CLEANSE!!!!!!
MORE TO COME...
Welcome back!
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I was very sad after the death of my brother 7 years ago- And felt all of those things, over and over again. I was married to an asshole at the time who kept telling me I was wrong, to "get over it" etc... I tried antidepressants to please him and they numbed me, which I suppose is what he wanted. When I went off I felt SO MUCH more than I think I would have had I just let myself grieve the way you describe it. Ir would have been so much healthier.
Thank you for sharing.
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It is so tempting to medicate myself! To not feel, bse I feel to vulnerable to everyone's hardships around me. I lay down tired on the sofa this afternoon. I had a day of troubling news from my child patient, as well as two separate friends in separate very difficult situations. I felt so bad for their hardships. I said to Dedi, "It's just so hard!" and he was very sweet and answered, "We just have to stay positive." But I feel so strongly that there are important lessons in all this, so I am trying to honor these feelings. Not an easy task!
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