WARNING:  This Blog may get very graphic, some descriptions may be uncomfortable or disturbing, so be forewarned...

Is blogging therapy? Feels like it. I suppose there must always be a beginning - so let's start chipper - Alanis Morisette/Matchbox 20 Concert Sunday night at the Staples Center...Yep, that feels right. My concert aficionado friend, Sherry, invited me (Premier seating - so cool - yummy food, cross between concert and 3 star hotel it is on its own separate level in the arena). Alanis was great! It was the first time I had seen her live, though the sound sucked. I thought it was the venue until Matchbox 20 came on and their sound was spot on. Her band was drowning out the lyrics which I most enjoy with  her songs. She did alot of old stuff. The new songs sounded great, too bad I couldn't understand the lyrics...Anyway, we took a break to use the bathroom in between the sets. Of course there was no line streaming from the men's restroom and the ladies were lined up snaking out the door of the women's (unfortunately, isn' t this ALWAYS the case?) restroom. In the stall I was unpleasantly surprised to see some brown spotting. "Wait, wait," I am thinking, "Didn't have this in my other two pregnancies!"I roll up the tissue paper in a makeshift pad and think to myself, "Don't panic - this happens. SURRENDER self, Surrender- what's going to happen is going to happen. You are not in control!"
I join Sherry and we go back to our seats. The show starts - they are really good. The music is loud and I can feel the sound system in my seat and in my uterus. And I feel more bleeding. I go back to the bathroom and I am not loving what I see. I call my midwife, Aleks, and she tells me to stay hydrated, rest, and the question she asks is, "Did you have sex recently?" My answer (I am sure to my husband's dismay) is "Not for 3 days." Apparently, sex can cause the uterus to contract and cause spotting. She says - brown means rest, but if it turns red you are miscarrying. "Okay. Brown is okay." I think. I take my seat and hold back the urge to stand and rock out. The anxiety begins to take over. I have the sensation of panic flooding my system. I am not an anxious person, I have never had a panic attack - I am thinking to myself - "So This is what THAT feels like! SURRENDER KIDDO, SURRENDER!" The set is supposed to go from 9pm-11pm. It is 9:24pm and I am thinking - "I gotta get out of here, and get horizontal." I look at Sherry and say, "I am going to take a taxi." G-dt bless Sherry! She tells me that I am more important than the concert (though I am still feeling guilty as I know she spent $70 for each ticket!) and she drives me home. We stop at WF (whole foods) and pick up the supplies that Aleks recommends: crampbark tincture (to stop the cramping), valerian tincture (relaxation and calming uterus), and beer (the other option was red wine which I wasn't feeling up to). I get in bed and follow her instructions - glass of beer, crampbark and valerian every 15 minutes (I did 5 cycles) until I fell asleep. I woke up in the middle of the night twice and took the tinctures. In the morning I called my Western MD ob/gyn who basically asked the same question about having sex and said what the midwife stated - brown is okay - rest, no sex, minimal activity, hydration. Red blood - go to hospital.
Now - mothers/fathers out there - this question is for you - Is there such thing as minimal activity when you have 2 kids home from Spring break?
Yah-that's what I thought. So I put myself on bed rest bse I don't have a slow button - Either I am active or I am in bed - there is no middle ground with a 1 1/2yr old who needs to be changed, carried/lifted, fed and a 6 1/2 year old who needs to be entertained when she isn't on club Penguin or watching movies on DVD.
An Amazing friend (def: the friend that drops everything when you are in need), Reg comes over with her son, to hang out so I can stay horizontal. By nighttime, I am bummed that I am still spotting. Tuesday morning, I wake up to cramping, get to the bathroom, see a gush of red blood and a distinctive, yet amorphous blob plops out. I look at it - know what it is- and faint. Dedi, my husband sees my head go into the wall (the bathroom is tiny) and runs in to grab me. He says I was out a few seconds. My whole body was sweating and every cell was feeling tingly. I sat there for a bit. Got into bed and felt the most intense cramping that brought me back to giving birth to Ellah 17 months prior. I didn't get into the pain. It was like all the hypnobirthing that I did before Ellah's birth kicked in and I wasn't aware of pain. I was only witness to the intense, all encompassing sensations that were occurring in my body. And then, slowly, it dissapated. And I felt such Relief! 7 hours later, I went to the bathroom and out plopped another package. Having given birth two to healthy babies and gone through the afterbirth festivities (birthing the placenta). I knew what I was looking at. And there was a part of me that was curious. I used a chopstick and poked at it. Yep - it was the amniotic sac. Whew - I got nauseaus and quickly flushed.

But back to yesturday's RELIEF. It equalled  FREEDOM - free from anxiety, pain, not knowing. Relief from the pain. Relief from the anxiety, the not knowing. I felt so calm. And the thoughts in my head were - 1. Wow-my body is amazing. I have such gratitude. There was obviously something not right with the fetus/embryo (I don't remember the distinction at 11 1/2 weeks). And the body let it go.
2. Did I have to go through the 3 months of nausea, fatigue/exhaustion for this? Even post-miscarriage - my ironic sense of humor was kicking in. 
My friends were calling to check up on me. I didn't want to hear pity, saddness, condolences. Because I felt like the universe/G-d was telling me/us - this isn't the right time. Everything happens for a reason. It is all as it is meant to be. But then again, I didn't want friends to be telling me that either! I knew it was so. But basically all I wanted was to rest, sleep, get room service/or bed service (yah right) like only my mom knows how (too bad she is in Israel!). Linda, my collegue and best friend from Acupuncture school and fellow Leo asked me "Are you in denial?" I retorted - "Probably." Maya - my bellydancing friend, who went through the same experience between her two daughter's births - started to talk to me about the soul of the baby and how sometimes the karma of the soul is to just come for that short journey of 3 months...And I cut her off "I get what you are saying, but I am not there. I am at - the baby wasn't good, and the body got rid of it."

Woke up this morning, Wednesday, with a heavy saddness. And I thought, this is perfect  (and believe me, I said this with 0 sarcasm 100% sincerity). This is exactly what I was meant to feel at this moment. Jodie came over and gave me a Reiki session with some bodywork. So much came up - crying, saddness. And I realize that I work really well with denial! It is a great survival mechanism. And I wanted to mourn, sit Shiva (okay, not for 7 days, but to honor the departed soul and the loss), I wanted to go to a mikvah for cleansing after the bleeding (or my version of the mikva - the Korean Day Spa for steam, soak and scrub), and I wanted to get my body strong, clean, and ready, for when the right time to invite another baby in (maybe next year...?)
Sherry, who has had two friends (I am the second) go through miscarriages in the last month, said that maybe the timing is off because of the war, and since both of us are Democrats - maybe we should wait until after the elections! I have to say that this amused me.  I definitely want to see the troops come home to their families!

So now - I am feeling a lovely mix of Happiness, Stillness, Gratitude, Loss/Saddness. And it feels perfect. And I will rest tonight and tomarrow. I have clients scheduled for Friday - nothing to heavy. And I feel like this journey is something that I would not like to repeat, but I know that there are a lot of lessons in it for me that I am only superficially touching on (The big one thus far is SURRENDER - this pregnancy wasn't planned, and I had to learn to surrender and to trust that it was exactly what was meant to happen at this time. As soon as I accepted the pregnancy and that lesson and had gotten excited about this new soul joining our family and loving the baby growing inside me, the miscarriage happened!).
So why am I sharing this with you? Yes writing is definitely cheaper than therapy! Also - miscarriages are so common. If it hasn't happened to you and you are of childbirthing age - most likely it has happened to someone you know. Every person's experience is unique, and their process and journey is as well. This is a testiment to mine. I leave you with these mantras:
I AM WHOLE, COMPLETE AND PERFECT (If you can get this one - and say it and mean it - you are one your way!)
EVERYTHING IS PERFECT.
IT IS WHAT IT IS. AND IT IS PERFECT.
namaste (I salute the divine within you), acumomma